Being completely transparent.
I have recently made huge changes in my life.
Probably because I’m early 20’s…. Deciding who I’m going to be, what I am going to do, and every other anxious decision that comes with 21.
One of these changes led to a decision, a decision of singleness for a year- meaning no boys, no dates, no flirting, no late night calls, and nothing else that means boyfriend.
My entire life- I can go back to seasons and remember the relationship I was in, the moment I felt like my life was falling apart, and then meeting someone new, and forgetting all about the previous season. And no offense to anyone else who enjoys this, but I refuse to have a life summarized and described by the relationships I’ve had and failed in. I am tired of fighting God and giving Him tiny tiny pieces of my heart, and then pouring my heart out in things that resulted in chaos. That cycle is mediocre and I was created for so much more.
So in these last few weeks of being with myself…. I have experienced some great days, and some….. days that swallow me whole, with little oxygen and sunlight.
I wish I could say it’s been easy. I wish I could say “wow it’s been a year already and i’m so much wiser”. Truth is, it hasn’t been a year LOL only less than a month.
The days that swallow me- I can barely hear God, mostly because I’m focused on my physical loneliness. I have no plans no desires no peace just fear and a million thoughts and questions and doubts and my past plays in my head and I want answers NOW and I want things my way and I want my plans and I want me to be satisfied and I have the worst attitude ever and….. Stop. Breathe. Take it one day at a time. God is good Leslie, Remember, He is Good.
Honestly, I cry and cry and cry and sometimes it’s better. But other times, the tears don’t stop. It’s an endless hole of emptiness and pain that I cannot even begin to accurately describe without losing the beauty of the process.
But then there’s the good days ❤ and these are the things that fill me with hope. I wake up, and the voice of God is so soft… so sweet…. so calm. And my day is organized. I pray, I worship. I dwell all day. I grow as a woman- filling my day with the things that will move me forward.
I am strangely enjoying this season.
I love Mondays. I clean, finish my home chores. I read, which I used to adore doing, but forgot with time.
I literally unplug, stay off my phone, go to a movie alone, and I just enjoy my own company. Absolutely amazing because I never thought I would be one to experience this and secretly crave it.
Waiting on the Lord is not easy. But oh man is it such an EXPERIENCE.
I’m not waiting on the Lord simply to date, but to simply move. I have no control over the things that will come, or the ones that will not, but what I can do is worship. I choose to worship. I choose to bend my knees, to fight through my legs numbing, to sing and tell the Lord what I am feeling, what I am believing for. I choose to speak and share my heart with Him because He is worthy and so faithful. There is no other stance that I will take. I don’t have all the answers and I have no idea what my decision is leading me to but I do know my God outdoes Himself every time I choose to give him control. This process is beautiful.
I am so thankful for the good days, and honestly the bad ones too. Because when I reach that moment, I am going to understand it so well. And I am going to appreciate it and know that I fought – I didn’t get swallowed but instead grew in strength and integrity and all things lovely.
I will wait on the Lord. He is all I have.
I can’t wait to share what He does this year!
Forever Dancing In His Love,