My phone vibrated ten times back to back and when I grabbed my phone, it was facebook messenger… my dad had sent 10 individual one-word messages just to ask me how I was doing which made me laugh. I don’t know much about him but I learned he doesn’t know how to type full sentences and instead sends one message at a time LOL
I wasn’t kidding when I wrote in previous blogs that I was in a constant journey of healing, & one of those processes is my relationship with my dad which is non-existent. I don’t lie when I say that I am working on it because I really am and transparency is so important to me for DYL. The fact that I have access to messages is because I opened up the line of communication and though it’s not healed, I’m trying, at my own pace and in my own time. This is huge right?! So I go to my texting app because I wanted to share with someone, “holyyyyy cow!!! look!!! *screenshot of messages*” but I had no one to text.
Not sure if you’ve ever been here, but my stomach was suddenly in my throat. I felt the familiar feeling of panic, of not being able to breathe…. only to realize I was holding my breath once again because that’s what I do to not feel the sting of whatever is hurting- this time loneliness. This monster invaded my mind, my heart, the atmosphere in my room and the rush caused my heart to beat faster, my hands to clam, and my mind to go 2,848,381 miles per hour.
I couldn’t reach out to anyone to share my progress and my big news. MY DAD WROTE TO ME AND SAID THIS AND SAID THAT AND ASKED ME THIS. But NO one.
Well, lie. I thought of the “hers” but I am not talking to her and she’s too busy with that, and she’s not going to understand because she doesn’t know this and she’s at work. And then I thought of the “hims” but he’s resting, and he shouldn’t be a choice, and I don’t want to bother him because I just spoke to him and I’m sure he’s busy. So yes, I thought of people to call but I didn’t feel peace calling anyone. I just needed to experience this for myself, give Leslie a moment to feel the pain, feel the excitement, feel the awkwardness, feel the anger.
It was MY moment.
Loneliness is sometimes God’s call for intimacy.
I have heard this way too many times but this was evident to me in this moment. I truly believe God wanted to teach me a few things in this moment and that wouldn’t have been possible if I would’ve ran to “she” or “he” instead of sitting in stillness and reflecting. I am not alone because He is always with me. The enemy could have had me in this moment and I could have let my emotions control me all day, stayed in bed, cried really ugly, ice cream, movie, sleep, etc. But I didn’t. Instead I ran straight to God, I was like okay God what are you trying to teach me? And I think this makes all the difference. The Lord allowed this moment for a reason and as I reflect now, it caused me to run to Him instead of running to someone else and not getting the reaction I expected and demanded. It’s always so difficult for me to run to God first because I want to be physically and emotionally comforted in that moment, when I want it. There are so many beautiful moments that could be shared with Jesus first if I would simply slow down and think. My dad… that’s not an easy topic for me and though I am able to talk about it now (progress!!!) I cannot put myself in a vulnerable position to share that with just anyone. I have to guard my heart and therefore, Jesus is always the best first choice.
Placing my hope in people will always hurt me.
I also realized how much I depend on people, which is not a bad thing, except for when it keeps me from getting to God. I want to be in the middle of everything, to be loved by everyone, to write amazing blogs about everything I learn, to be in every ministry possible, and have my hands in all things…. but reality is that when I do all these things, it leaves no room for me and God. I stop dancing with God because I am attempting to catch every other song and routine I hear around me. And in the end I get hurt. People can’t satisfy me and people will fail me, just like I fail them. And to avoid this ridiculous bar I have for people to be everything I need them to be, my hope needs to be anchored in God.
I’m sure you have been here before. Maybe all you desire is to have close friends you can run to when situations turn upside down. This is not bad. We were created to have relationship, with both God & other humans. But Jesus must always be in the center of it all. The moment anything or anyONE else becomes something you seek more than Him, then there’s a problem.
I have a desire to be loved and accepted by everybody and they mommas. And this people pleasing characteristic in me causes me to run everywhere else except to His presence. To be honest, people will always fail us. They will be too busy, too caught up, too tired, too annoyed, and that’s okay because we’ve all been there.
But God…. Oh boy is He different. He doesn’t grow tired of your rants. He doesn’t get bored when you tell Him the same story again. He is never too busy to catch your tears, to surround you with His presence as you let it all out. And the best part, He will never walk away.
Praying that if you are feeling alone you can find rest in His presence. May He satisfy that emptiness you feel. He can do it and He does it with gladness. You can place your full confidence in Him because He, unlike me and unlike Man, will never fail you.
Dancing in Your love,