Happy Monday! I hope November has treated you well. I have absolutely no complaints about this month except that I hate how cold it has been but I’m sure many disagree with me lol I have grown in many areas this month and have truly enjoyed every week which I am so thankful for. 2017 has turned around and is looking bright!
I do have something laying heavy on my heart which means it’s time for me to write and process it out so I can heal, let go, forgive, or whatever else I need to do.
To be honest, I’ve been afraid of processing this. Because I never want my blog to be a place where “shade” is thrown or felt or talked about but then if it’s taken that way, I can’t control it. The point is I never intend for it to be taken that way. I just like to share my heart, my struggles, and what I learn in the journey.
I have also been afraid because I didn’t want to cry. Crying would make what has happened real and I wasn’t sure I was ready to comprehend that. I’m not sure if these words will bring those stored up tears out but I am finally ready to process.
Sometimes you spend years building a reputation for yourself. You lay down the cement and build each floor year after year until hopefully by the end of it, you can step back and see a beautiful high rise.
On the first floor, maybe you have generosity and all that occupies those hallways is how much you have given to friends, family, strangers. Resources, time, love, without desiring anything in return.
Maybe on the fifth floor, you have all the things you are against residing. Like lying, stealing, killing, betraying friends, cheating, bullying.
And maybe ALL the way at the top, you have your goals for your friendships, relationships, career, ministry.
Only after 10 years of building, something, someone, or an event completely destroy it.
Well that’s where I am currently at, but not quite. (I will explain, hang tight)
In this case, I won’t share details because they are unnecessary to me. But I have spent the last ten years of my life building a life, a world, and a reputation for myself. I knew I was kind, loud, adventurous, a believer, a friend, a natural leader, a girl who was against this and that, a girl who stood up for this and that.
And in this past month, all that crumbled.
I felt as though a bulldozer came into the comfort of my heart and my home, knocked the walls down until only dust remained. And my heart was exposed, cold, afraid, and very fragile.
Along with building a reputation, I also had walls that were mighty and strong and impossible to get over, but those all came tumbling down in just one night.
Reputation is defined as the beliefs or opinions that are generally held about someone or something.
And to simply put it, that is ALL that it is. Mere OPINIONS held. They do not control your destiny, your calling, your character, or your future. And that is why I am not quite crushed under the rubble.
I want to be someone who is more concerned with my character than what my reputation is made out to be. You see, if I spend another 10 years worried about what people think of me and how people view me, not only will I have not advanced, but I would have gotten it ALL wrong.
I am more concerned with what’s in my heart, what the Lord says about me, and how I am bettering people’s lives. I haven’t had the time, the energy, or the desire to defend my reputation because part of me could care less. I also know that God will do that for me.
How is my heart? How do I treat my friends? How do I handle my job? How do I love my brothers and sisters? What can I do to change someone’s day today? These are the things that my mind is on and that is all about my character, not the opinions held about me.
I wrote in my previous blog that I recently made huge changes because I didn’t like who I had become over time and this month, so much within me has changed that I am pleased with who I am becoming.
I have to remind myself that it is okay to make decisions for myself, and that I have no obligation to explain that to anyone. My circle knows my heart, they know what’s best for me, and they stand by me without me asking for it.
The best part about my high rise being demolished is that I am already at the bottom. There is nothing left of what was and I love that. I have the chance to be who He intended me to be and not who I made myself appear to be.
I want to encourage you if you are currently in a similar situation or if you have ever been there before and are still in the aftermath of it.
Take courage friend.
Your life is not over and your world is not crushed. Who have you always wanted to be? How have you always wanted to live your life? What are your dreams, your passions, the things that make you come alive? Now you can run hard after those things without a reputation holding you back…. Because as bad as it sounds, you no longer have one.
I won’t lie and say it didn’t hurt. It wasn’t a boyfriend/girlfriend breaking up with you type of pain. It wasn’t even as dramatic as me losing my breath and becoming anxious. Yes I was caught by surprise nonetheless, but it hurt in a way that ignited me to become better and to pursue my dreams even harder than I ever had before.
The Lord says you and I are whole. We are full of wisdom, we walk in power, in love, we laugh at the days to come because we are not afraid. He said He makes us strong, His peace surrounds us, and we are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Speak that over yourself daily, especially when the reputation sucks.
He speaks LIFE over you and so do I.
We will get through this and the fruits to come are better than any 20 story high rise that was demolished. What a beautiful place to begin because He takes ashes and turns them into art to be displayed for His glory.
“No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead..” Philippians 3:13
Here’s to character and better days,
Forever Dancing In His love,